To dear Mr. right (* written long time ago loh~ When I broke up)

I dare not to say that you are very GUY that I like the most, as my eyes keep on looking for good looking and muscular guys around me. Well, perhaps you are always too far-fetched more me, or shall I say impossible to reach…  I need to “protect” myself too, I am not too optimistic in terms of relationship and love thingy as I have little experience on it. 

Personally I hate smokers. I think they are just selfish people who wanna destroy the precious body given to us by our parents! (It’s selfish to destroy yourself too!) But when I saw that very picture, I feel upset. In fact it was pretty much a mixture of hate and pity. I wanted to hate u for smoking, but then I want to know the reason when u have first take the courage to puff. I am sure that you know not less about the negative effects of smoking than me. Thus, out of all those confusion and wild imagination, I choose to respect your decision. We can never stop anyone from doing anything they want to do, be it ending yr life or striving for yr dreams.

I want to help u solve yr problem, but Im not sure whether u would like that or not…

I want to tell u to quit smoking, but Im not sure whether u would like that or not…

I want to accompany u when ur lonely, but I doubt my shoulder would be warm enough for u…

I want to listen to u, but I doubt my presence would make things better…

Eventually, I suggested to myself that keeping some distances from u would be more comfortable for u and me…

Perhaps u have been set into my mind since that very first time I saw u! Dun ask me why because personally Im searching for the answer too. Ur still that charming and handsome, even though u kept a bush on top of yr head. Haha

P/s: thanks for cutting yr hair, which sounded like that u did that for me :-)

“The effort u put in would not always be proportional to the outcome…” I know that all the while, but u have made that even clearly and vivid. Dun get me wrong, I never hated u for not accepting me. It’s not like I have never been chase after by someone I dun really have feeling towards. LOL!

I guess that I just need to be honest and frank to myself. Ur not gay and I think Im not in the ability to turn u into gay. Even if I were to be capable of possessing any sort of love potion from Harry Potter, I guess u would eventually come to yr senses… So I give up.

I can still recall vividly that when u said “U make me lazy to talk to u…”, I see that u hate the fact that some gay guy keep buzzing u with gay stuff. Sorry, perhaps Im too desperate. When u told me that ur just some selfish fellow, I dun think Im of any better than u. I have been kept buzzing u just hoping just in case one day u would finally give me tiny wincy chance…

Do u think I have any chance? I have been into 2 short relationships. I slept with other guys before…

Time is running out, I guess there are still a lot of guys that I can try. Well, I thought I have found my love, but I guess that the game of life would just be too easy for me if I were to find it on u. Hehe! I shall put another token, to continue my game :-)

Are we that normal after all?

High tea time at 4pm!!! (Actually it's not that high after all-because we only had breads with peanut butter and Pong Pia-something u don't call it biscuit or kuih)

In the mean time, me and my mom were chatting over things that have taken place lately, like who has "accidentally" stolen (I know this is awesomely weird! Haha) some neighbor’s Lim-Kim (Buah Nona in Malay I guess), who was already dead, the neighbor’s son who went to work even though PMR is just another month to go, the simple-minded uncle who has been addicted to gambling and blah blah blah~

Today, we recounted the major issues in every Chinese family in the neighborhood. (Actually there is not much of Chinese families around, only 6 niah~) Here is a summary of the major issues: 

(Oh I know I am effing kepo~)

Family 1: The adopted daughter was suspected to be doing something funny for a living because she only returns home a few time each year, with a so-called boyfriend.

Family 2: The husband has kicked one son out of the family tree because he has married an Indo girl and got converted to Islam (and eventually became an Ustaz! Wow, salute salute!); the wife is all about dept! Nombor Ekor! and making otak-otak in the wee hour; the daughter has been unfortunately become others 3rd party (I think I understand her naive mind...) and there was a six-country-scene (六国大封相 in Cantonese- meaning a huge scene!!!); the other son has dept issues as well (credit card!!!).

Family 3: The husband has chosen to live a less-stress life by working as a guard after midnight; the wife is pretty kepo- too much willing to help others but left her kids around by their own; 2 sons are not really focusing on their studies; thank God that the daughter is quite diligent (though she shouted at home sometimes~)

Family 4: The husband was dead; the wife is a chronic kuat nombor ekor woman (heard that she spent a total like RM50 betting on TOTO, Magnum, 4D or whatever lah); the son is working at a restaurant but have not been doing much planning for his future, addicted to DoTA; another son is unfortunately mentally retarded (heard that he was a normal kid before a heavy fever ~)

Family 5: Well, this one is an exception lah! The old grandma is quite okay. All her sons and daughters have already had their own families. She has all the money to support Magmum and TOTO. LOL~

Now that I have added my sin by narrating all their family issues, it is time for my family pulak.

 

Apart from my idiot father- who has been listening to the daily news more than 6 times a day while falling half asleep WTF!!!- there are my eldest brother, who is doing everything for his fat wife (he was a literally a prince in the house before he got married half a year ago), my second elder brother pulak is in the middle of carrier building period (he always disapproves me, don’t know why?) while singing off with his most horrible voice at home in front of the radio, the wonder-woman mom who is working herself out like a machine and… JENG JENG JENG! the youngest son who is writing this post in a standing position after dinner.

My family may seems like free from any major mom-crying-off-the-street problem to others lah, but I don't really feel like that because I knew that there is something not normal with the youngest son in the family.

I did not really lie about my sexuality nor did I come out any one in the family. But sometimes I felt bad towards my mom (I am a mommi's son :-) Hehe!)

Mommi is a pretty conservative woman who has not known many things, and thus may not be that opened to certain new ideology. She never went to college and she gave birth to her first son at the age of 22. But something for sure, she is a good mom :-)

 

Though she is a bit worried of my bizarre mad designer behavior (hair coloring and nail painting), she is pretty proud of me because I excelled in school, I can settle the house ware problem, and I won the F&N contest thingy last time (this matter left her thinking that I can win whatever kinda contest~ Sigh~ Including Piala Seri Endon- which I did not even make it on the very first round!).

Dear mom, I wanna tell you so much that your youngest son may not be as good as you think! He is not as normal as the other male in the neighborhood! You won’t be getting cute little grandkids from him zooming around the house like Family 5! Instead of a female family member add-on, you will still get another son (which is my future hubby lah!)

Mom! I am GAY! 

But it’s neither your fault nor anyone’s. I am living a pretty interesting life than anyone else. I am proud to be gay and I never regretted it! I just hope you will be opened enough to accept me and not blame anyone especially yourself, who gave birth to me. 

And are we that normal after all? Is that important at all?! Haha, to me, as long as I have the people around me, supporting me and accepting the person I am. Who cares about being normal or abnormal!

 Yeah, please define normal!

And everyone has his/her own sets of problems if one is living in this world-quite fair and square lah~ It is just up to how each individual looks at them: whether they are stones to bring us down, or stones for us to step onto another level of life! Cheers people!

Bonjour Death!

"Oh I tell u, the doctor gave her a jab! After that something went out of control and her eye popped out. Eventually she went crazy and pull off the bandages covering her eyeballs and blood shot all over the ward!!!"

Today I overheard the juicy gossip boiling outside the house. It was about the death of a poor aunty. Supposedly I should be feeling all shalom about the story but I found it extremely hard to resist her funny illustration that does not really make sense at all. This hilarious neighbour never failed to come up with over exaggerated stories which can not be more dramatic! 

No matter how dramatic one's life can be, it will still end with death- the time when the body can no longer support the life/soul living in it.

The matter took me on fast forward to my imaginary not-so-far future; it is another 50 or 60 years ahead lah- got some fortune-teller told me I will live up to around 72 or 75 wor~ Well, u never know right?! Haha, I may be dead while writing this post. Scary~ E-yew~

Will I die alone in a lonely house? (please NO!!!)
Will there be someone beside me? (Any friends? any adopted daughter and son?)
Will I die like Lai-Meng in NOT ENOUGH MONEY 2? (scarificing my life for others?!)

WAIT a minute!!! I have not had my own runway show yet; I have not trained enough for the perfect body shape lagi- hehe, may wanna take part in the next THE HOTTEST HUNKS IN MALAYSIA contest; I have not make any major change to the society yet; I have done any graffitti at Sg. Kelang yet; I have not found the right guy yet; I have not had my own gay gang lagi; I have not done enough for my parents yet (Urh, by right the parents should be the first hor?);

I HAVE NOT BE THE BEST OF SKP YET!!!

Oh whatever~ Save it lah SKP! You have not done any effing big thing yet, you wanna think about death?! Sohai betul!

Every day, a lot of people are gone but there are a lot lives came into this world as well! The world waits for no one and thus please don't be bother with something that will eventually come no matter how (even though you are buying the most expensive insurance in the world!- this one is just crap! Haha)

Never dwell in the past; do not lost yourself in the imaginary future; LIVE IN THE PRESENT!!!

And I heard: At least before her last breathe, all her relatives and family members were present. :-)
R.I.P. whoever you are~

Breaking up (even we have never been together)

Emotion management has not been well done lately after I have decided not to send anything to over sea. Plus the aunty at the fashion house has been giggling in a way which left me catching idea from the air violently- I think she is teasing me; oh perhaps I am just thinking negative~

I know I should be happy- in fact, I used to smile every single day back in secondary school and one day the Guru Kanan moral asked me: how come you can smile every day like that?-but I just failed to find any reason to smile (can I tell myself that smiling does not need any reason? Haha!)

And so, my face was as emotion-less as a dead man, but no one knew that I have been mind-typhoon-ing inside :-( (and thank God that my neurons are still in tagged, haha~ But I won't know if a few thousand get blown away anyway~) I find it hard to focus and I was pretty suffering every single second going through the day in the fashion house learning things. It seems the passion and enthusiasm has died off already :-( It was really taking my life to pick up everything the aunty was telling me today :-( Sob sob~ And I could sense some tiny little frustration getting more obvious through her tone, which added in the pressure~

Perhaps I have not been getting as much attention when I am back to my hometown. Yes, I am an attention seeker and my mind feeds on attention and I must have to admit that I have problem managing this habit. I know the right amount and TYPE of attention is very crucial to push me to a higher level in life, but most of the time I find myself behaving like a drunk guy saying the most arrogant and dangerous stuffs when I got too high under enormous amount of attention. Haha *scratching my head~

I recall that there is a saying that life needs applause- it is a positive response to what we have done. I have been searching it from outside all the while, for I have forgotten that SKP could have clapped for himself when no one did. *scratching head again~

Aiyor~ I am such a dimbo lah~

SKP, clap clap clap! I am back to myself again :-) Eh eh eh, where is Le Chatelier~ Rupa-rupanya, he is talking a break from the sciences, moving to intense fashion designing at the moment~ Ciao~

p/s: Again, I feel that I have been simply putting up titles and talk anything other than the title itself~ May be I felt that I am losing something because I need to forget him~

Walking away from the10 years

Knowing the fact that I was no longer appreciated by the guy I loved before this, I kept on thinking weird things and the replay of the previous time I spent with him and all those funny stupid things we did together SLAPPED me hard on the face. But I would like to act noble again- that he has the freedom of choice and I only have myself to blame when someone out there can offer more than I can give~

I had refused to let myself licking my own wound, so I asked for a shoulder to cry on- which explains the sudden vulgarity on FB~ (Please pardon me, I find cursing extremely therapeutic in an usual way~)

So who would have the most effective power to heal my wound? It must be someone with some first-aid basic knowledge loh~ (He was really cool wearing the St. John uniform during secondary school, so charming u know~ And he got more muscles these days, add-in the hot element loh~) Thus, I told him about my sad story and deliberately asked him to tipu-tipu console me!!! And guess what?

Sad face: Hei, my ex (fill-in-the-blank) on me :-( Can u tipu-tipu console me?

Mr. I-dun-wanna-come-back-to-Malaysia: O. So what? May it has something to do with your personality...

 I went speechless at the instant. In order to act cool-which was super fake, I just saje-saje responded something open-ended and nothing after that. To my utter disappointment, he continued with the gym issue, asking why I did not put up topless pictures on FB.

How can acted like that to me? Even thought he doesn't wanna hold a gay guy's hand doesn't mean that he cannot console a sad individual in a role of a normal friend!!!

That WAS it. I was actually thinking of what to send him for his birthday in July (either a hand-made card or an Iphone case) and I am afraid I have thought too much. I don't dare to say that he doesn't deserve my attention as who am I to him? Am I a friend? Or am I just an idiot? Or a clown?

The thought was really killing me and I decided to call Miss Saving-the-earth-from-devastation for some remedy before I turned mental. Indeed, paying 66 cent for a Kedah-to-Ipoh phone call was proven to be effective.

Well, at least I have someone who understands my dimbo-ness and can think of something for me when my brain stops generating positive thoughts for the moment.

And so, I am writing this to mark the day I felt more courage and will not to allow myself to go back thinking of him~

p/s: Dear Mr. I-dun-wanna-come-back-to-Malaysia, if u wanted me to hate u so that I can give up the thought of chasing after u, congratulations, u did well this time. I don't  think I will be sending anything to Stuttgart, because I am just a dimbo~ This time, I really really wanted to free myself from u. Yes, Siew Wei, he is just a phase~

SKP, signing off, along together with the sadness~

To father with love

Father, this position or the person to be awarded with this noun, ideally supposed to be someone strong and with the power to protect the individuals that he has assembled under one roof, of what the "norm" called family.

Oh Lord thank you for your most generous mercy, I have been able to call someone with the name "papa" in the house. Well, on the bright side I can think that I am fortunate for not being labelled as orphan or semi-orphan (hei, I could have gone to London to study Actuarial sc. when I mentioned "My father died before I was even born" in the JPA interview); but then when the my mind is no longer on the bright side, he is not someone who has given the family a lot of happy moments. For instance, he would start to grumble when the family spent a little bit more time shopping (who asked u to have accidentally raised a gay son ah?!!), he smoked in front of me (credits to SKP for still be able to resist himself from picking up any cigarette!), he used pain and vulgarity to teach lessons (he used to call me sei kuai zai- direct translation means "the son of the ghost"; Duh, I am your son okay! I wonder whether he has ever thought this particular phrase also reflected the father as well~ Funny~)

I cannot really blamed EVERYTHING on him-for that's kinda too harsh!!! He didn't even go to high school or get any diploma or degree- or else I would be writing this @ SP's Starbucks wearing CK boxer LOL~ Life has been pretty hard during his time and everyone was struggling for a living by working working and working; and the man who has given me part of his genes had already started working at construction site or something- seriously UKM could have awarded him with a Master in woodcraft and house-building (definitely not HOME-building!!! But still I can award him with a second class degree in it lah, haha~ After all, I am still alive till the age of near 23 and has got Band 5.5 in MUET- all thanks to him being too stupid to be coaxed into buying a tiny laptop-like English learning computer when I was like before kindergarten~)

As the Cantonese saying goes: The older the ginger, the spicier it gets- meaning those who have come across a lot of life experience tends to be wiser. Unfortunately, this can ONLY apply to his expertise in working with woods and cements, nothing apart from this. At the age of 68, I expect a father is able to give his gay son some guidance and wisdom by being a good role model... Argh~ Just forget about it~

This lou-ye (this Cantonese name is used by the housekeeper in ancient time to address the head of the house; and I called him this to tease his noble position as the head of the house =.=) only follows the ever repeating super-extremely-horrible-mundane-lacking-serious-creativity-and-innovation-plus-passion sequence of daily life: wake up, exercise (I suspected it's by walking barely 100 steps guah-  because his main intention is to smoke!!!), eat, read newspaper, eat, watch nearly 8 daily news reports (I still dun get it, what's the point of listening to the repeating news reports!!! Not like he knows what is happening around him), eat (again), nap, watch drama that he has the slightest idea on what's happening to the storyline, nap, eat, watch TV, eat (yes, again, this time dinner), watch TV, eat (the last portion for the day), and sleep.

I did ask him why can't he just do something healthy for old folks like going for Tai-Chi or planting Bonzai plants (something for sure, my artistic sense did not originate from him!!!) but he just shy away and asked me what he can do? I was like WTF!!! Don't u know what to do before u die? Okay, it is definitely not going to the brothels or going for strip shows blah blah blah~ And suddenly something terrifying creeps in- that he has not really live a life of his own; that he doesn't have a hobby or something~ Sigh~ Oh my dear father~

He had gone through strokes for 3 times and yet he argued that he gonna eat whatever he wants to eat because life is short (Helo, yes, life is short, but I ain't gonna end it earlier or live longer being paralysed on the bed...) Perhaps his brain has got a bit fuzzy after 3 times of strokes- you know, part of his brain that coordinates the right thinking might have died off years ago- and now I am seeing him as a semi-insane person in the house. This is the best solution so far for this method allows him to be "liberated" while stops me getting insane before he does.

But of all the shit and funny stuffs that he did, I still wish I could have been more patient and tolerant towards him. Instead of saying that he is a nuisance in the house, somehow I have become a more patient and tolerant individual-seeing good things in the midst of hell.

After all, he is still the man who has given his strength and time to buy me expensive toys and coconut sweets plus other snacks every single night when I was really small ;-) I won't say that he is my favorite man, like it or not, he is still my father, tied by faith and random ovulation of my mom's ovum somewhere in the oviducts 23 years ago~ Haha. But seriously, he could have been better ;-)

Oh, should I change the title of this post? I did not dedicate any LOVE word to him. Haha~