This is another post dedicated to the very person who has triggered my emotional roller coaster, resulting something as in the previous post: Breaking up (even we have never been), Walking away from the 10 years and To dear Mr. right (* written long time ago loh~ When I broke up) .
Dear Mr Straight (so-called lah~), u have been away to Austria for some kinda college experimental car racing stuffs right after our last conversation on MSN. I have been thinking of u from time to time every single day. Sometimes when I look at the clock for time, I would minus 7.5 hrs, and wonder what u would be doing. When I am talking lunch, u will most probably just wake up from yr slumber land; when I go to bed, u may be ready with yr dinner set. I have been intoxicated by u.
But at the same time, I gave someone some sexual therapy (Well, he just broke up while I need it at the time, so made funny excuses for the "sinful" action~) and I flirted with a few guys. Hence, these activities made me wondered: Do I really really LOVE u? Or I am just being trapped inside a cage of histories? Shouldn't I just have a little chat with that someone instead of having that sort of activity which I labelled as therapy? Shouldn't I just control myself from flirting with other guys? Even if I were to have u as my bf, would I be loyal enough to u?
Eventually I stopped the hell of thought and just tell myself to be myself :-) And Jeng Jeng Jeng, something HOLY happened! Here comes the HOLY thoughts:
I was like: Okay fine. I should not have thought of waiting or attempt to change yr sexual orientation, because a change in one's sexual orientation may be due to end-of-the-world matters, such as being dumped by the girl u loved the most or gone through horrible experience with females- at least that's what I have heard and hypothesized lah~
Dear, I think I do love u and I dun think I should stab myself in the heart to let go everything-for it pretty impossible to let go EVERYTHING- though the hard facts tell me that we have never ever had anything before~ Sigh, such an irony to myself :-( Anyway, I like win-win situation.
I dun wan anything like horrible break-ups or lousy female drama happening on u. All I wanted from u is to see u smiling and be contented with yr achievements. Go become a successful engineer in Germany lah, I will visit if I got some extra money :-)
Ohya, I will listen to u; I will find a better guy (though I kinda doubt anyone would nearly replace u lah~ Not that ur very good, but I just haven't lost that feeling towards u~) and I won't treat myself bad. I will love myself more and see things in a more mature way :-)
Somehow, it seems that we are very different people. I have never been appealing to u in any kinda way. I screamed and shouted in front of u like a maniac just to get yr attention and u just looked at me in disgust and embarrassment. I am sissy- even a kid can see that- and I am fine with that :-) I cherished the person I am now!
Loving someone is not like possessing someone, make him yr own toy and feel happy with it. I guess it is really about giving the best for that someone special no matter he is with u or not.
I guess now I need to add another criteria to my future bf: that he should be able to accept the fact that I still have feeling for another guy- a straight guy. For me, I will play my part as well; I will be as loyal as possible to my future bf. Even Mr Straight were to turn to me one day, although it is a sad story, I will still stick with the one whom spent quality time and love with me all this while. No more riding-on-a-cow-while-searching-for-a-horse; which means be settled with something second best while keep on the look-out for THE BEST.
Ohya again, before I end this, I want to note that the words that u said to me last time- about u wanted to see me with my labels and designs, that u wanted to wear the clothes I designed- really gave a great deal of energy to keep me going :-) When I felt bad at the tailor shop, when I felt like I have been joked around, I will take power from yr words, so that I have enough courage to hang on, to be patient and be brave. Thanks :-) I will keep that in heart. I will remember the things u said :-) Meet u on the route of happiness dude :-) Signing off... happily~
Dear future hubby, thanks for understanding me :-)
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