(Coco)

Coco has passed away in BM.

His dear human friend that buy expensive food for him everytime he goes back to the house, is still in KL, just done exam, rushing back to BM to see his, unfortunately, lifeless body.

I didn't text, not that I didn't bother, but because she is there, so I guessed it is enough.

Dear Coco, though I have only seen you once, R.I.P. What you have went through, I don't know, but it is time for the next stage now. Thanks for accompanying XXX during his teenage time. Thank you, Coco.

All the best!

我不願讓你一個人

作詞：阿信
作曲：阿信+冠佑
編曲演奏：五月天+周恆毅
木吉他演奏：可樂 Cola Kai
絃樂演奏：李琪北京室內樂團
和聲演唱：士杰+可樂 Cola Kai

你說呢 明知你不在 還是會問
空氣 卻不能代替你 出聲
習慣 像永不癒合 的固執傷痕
一思念就撕裂靈魂

把相片 讓你能保存 多洗一本
毛衣 也為你準備多 一層
但是 你孤單時刻 安慰的體溫
怎麼為你多留一份

我不願讓你一個人 一個人在人海浮沉
我不願你獨自走過 風雨的 時分
我不願讓你一個人 承受這世界的殘忍
我不願眼淚陪你到 永恆

你走後 愛情的遺跡 像是空城
遺落你杯子手套和 笑聲
最後 你只帶走你 脆弱和單純
和我最放不下的人
也許未來 你會找到 懂你疼你 更好的人
下段旅程 你一定要 更幸福豐盛

我不願讓你一個人 一個人在人海浮沉
我不願你獨自走過 風雨的 時分
我不願讓你一個人 承受這世界的殘忍
我不願眼淚陪你到 永恆

你說呢 明知你不在 還是會問
只因 習慣你滿足的 眼神
只是 我最後一個 奢求的可能
只求你有快樂人生

只求命運 帶你去一段 全新的旅程
往幸福的天涯飛奔
別回頭就往前飛奔
請忘了我還 一個人 

____________________________________________

Hebi，我和你在一起的时候，我觉得有多幸福，你懂吗？

你载我时，我都很想把头靠在你的肩膀，很幸福，你懂吗？

 但是，我能幸福多久呢？

当你慌张的时分，我就给予你承诺：

无论全世界都放弃你，但是我不会丢下你不管的。

 

 我曾经想要离开你，留着泪离开你，

希望你能明白，我也会伤心.

希望能吸取教训，希望你不要伤害你下一段的感情。

我不是喜欢你有车；

我不是喜欢你会买贵东西给我；

我喜欢你什么，我已经不是很清楚了，

我只是懂，我不想让你伤心担心。

Hebi, 你曾经说过，你在人海中遇见了我。

但是我不懂我几时会在同样的人海和你失散。

我开始觉得没有安全感，

我不想失去你。

Damned it, I duno why suddenly I cried

and suddenly people come to talk to me about Bersih 3.0...

No mood jor...

Oh well...

zzz 

But yeah, what I wrote is what I felt just now

6 months

I never really realized how attached and weak I can be sometimes in relationship. It has been 6 months we knew each other and today is the date, marking the date we met each other since the 29th October 2011.

Many things happened and somehow we are not as sweet as last time. Lately, our conversation is not as intimate as last time. We started to get discourse in ideas and though we managed to shove it off, but the impact is there. Somehow we are no longer what we used to be.

Should I be happy or sad on this date? Life goes on, I still need to get fit in 2 months time!

Yet, like it or not, I have to admit, that I missed you badly and I need a hug from you :-(

Coco

Coco, a ten-year-old male dog (probably quite elder for dogs) is dying. He has been XXX's company ever since in his ugly years in Secondary school back in Bukit Mertajam (if not mistaken, he was part of the family since 2003.) XXX has an exam tomorrow morning, right after that, he gonna rush back to BM by car and get ready with the cremation and all that. On Wednesday, he will be required to hand in his Final Year Project. Wednesday he gonna work work and work.

J told me that day in a catching-up session (which I felt pretty stressful because she seemed to try to persuade me into joining her business thingy) that we need to be clear of what we wanted, our priority.

So in this case, is Coco XXX's priority? Perhaps, with pretty great extend, but then due to the upcoming life events such as an exam and a final year project, coco's last moment of life, unfortunately have been put to the next itinerary of the priority list. I know, like it or not, we need to keep some choices so that we can still stay alive in the coming days. An exam is nothing, so as the final year project, but if he screwed these things up, his degree is at stake, and this is the LAST stage of getting the scroll after years of study and sleepless nights before this.

I am not saying this as thought I will throw away everything and went back straight to BM because of Coco, most probably I will do the same as XXX. Think of this way, perhaps Coco only recognized XXX as another organism that provides food? I know, slap me! People often put their imagination on things, oh yeah, it is called faith?

There are things that I don't believe in and there are things that I believe in, for example cremation. What is the difference of putting the ashes of the loved one in an urn under a special building and spreading it into the sea or onto the ground of one's backyard? Like ur gonna visit that place everyday, why not put inside yr room? For me I just think that the soul or the "THING" has left the body that made up of protein, fat, minerals and water, the soul or the "THING" won't probably feel anything, be it inside an urn, or in the sea or the ground. Again, it is my weird thoughts. I respect XXX's decision of the special cremation and decided to pay for part of the expenses.

But I have to say, like it or not, I think Coco has accompanied XXX for half of his life and he deserved something good than nothing, doing something is better than doing nothing kan? What has happened had happened, there are moments that XXX was not with Coco once he came to study in KL since 2008, and I thought, XXX could have brought Coco along with him after half a year in KL? Food for thought, things could have been better, but perhaps this will happen lah... Aiya, no IF anymore lah. The PRESENT the PRESENT!!!

I think this event served as a reminder for me and him on what to put into the priority list. What is important to us. And some of us change according to time and experience, thus we need to have conversation with ourselves from time to time.... Ah... what sort of bullshit am I talking about?

Anyway, not quite in the mood these days as I have a simple sketch coming up next week, future planning to do, a jump start for the stagnant thesis, a some shitty assignment from ADHD woman. Life goes on, just I have learned to rant on a virtual space using words. I foresee this blog as one of the future easy outlet for me to release my tension, but i will strongly prefer to upgrade my socializing skill. Why keep facing a lifeless screen when we also have a lot of lonely souls in KL, the city of maksiat? Haha

I am sorry, I grew to become cynical these days.

God blesses Coco, all the best for you!

Oh I found the exit liao!

Was walking around Lake Titiwangsa because I dun wanna go back to my room that fast. As SW has said, I am thinker, in a rather negative way, because I tend to focus on the negative side recently, haha!

So I was like: Wanna stay in KL boh? What if XXX really main-main with me de leh? Mah waste loh? But then I cant count on others response to decide kan? SW has asked me to love using my heart, not my brain... I have been staying in KL for 4 years wor... How about Penang... Need to discover the roads and find the nearest cookie shop... Yeah Singapore! No need car! And more money lagi! And more lengzai!

Hmmm... eventually I found myself opened for more possibility, I need to believe myself as a person perfectly capable of anything people find challenging except INSURANCE!!! It is my problem lah.

And so, I guessed I have found the way out of my down side of my life. Will start again :-) Should start dating other guys, emotional insurance... Eh, what am I talking?

*XXX did not gimme a definite answer... yet... so I go comment on some guy's picture and said that he knocked me out. Haha...

Kopitiam Kopi-O panas

Sunday night I talked to SW and I was smacked on my face: Follow yr heart, love can't be rationalized much by brain cells. It is something from the heart, not the brain. We talked from 12-1am and I text him once I said Goodnight to SW as she walked back to her block. "XXX, I wanted you! I loved you!"

Yet, the future is uncertained. There is no definite answers and I can only wait. I am happy with the decision I made but it remains my decision. He has his inner problems that I could only give him emotional support, no matter what I am to him, at least I am there for him, as his outlet. (What am talking about? Outlet?)

Was chatting with him on FB. He told he was accompanying his friend for some interview. His is the driver again. Haha. While waiting, he ordered Kopi-O panas at a kopitiam.

Haha, to me kopi-o is some old folk drinks. Old...

Then I thought, will we be together? I know he is not sure, I duno why he is not sure as well, but then I asked: Duno if we will be drinking this when we are old?

And I asked him not to answer, then I said: Gambateh with yr day ah, kawan.

I purposedly used Kawan. We have been using Hebi all the while. What does it means?

Can I pretend that the insecurity is gone? I am just bad in relationship lah, relationship is not like taking a degree. Sigh...

Dear, definitely it is some beautiful scenery, but then... Oh well, like I am not capable of living alone... Am I?

I am selfish too. No one wants to be hurt. But, like it or not, it will happen, right now, the future is vague...

The problem and the confrontation... on FB =.=

Eventually the hu and ha was officially off, but (...well, I think I am sensitive lah... just to put it into a positive thinking context) there has been some changes. There tone I get in the text messages has changed: instead of long messages, it has been shrunk into nothing more than a NITE. Well, why bother to send such message? I wonder what is the purpose. Of course, I dun think many would take such action to send a goodnight text message to any of the best friend unless it is the end of the conversation, so what was it about?

It really puzzles me, seriously! It made things even worse when it is ONLY one word: Nite, then full stop! Most probably I have been downgraded to a close friend, or he could be having a hard time, but trying to stir a conversation? Ohya, I said I will text him later in the late evening and I didn't after I saw that instagram FB picture of the McD he was having with his gf (I think this suits her status more). I was reluctant.

He doesn't owe me an explanation I guess, but excuse me, I am still human. And I am not stupid, my IQ and EQ is even higher than him (unfortunately I am just saying this to make myself feel better...) I can detect body languages and, too bad, perhaps he wasn't a complex human being, or I could have been an alien all the while (see, I am starting to go insane already by no filtering my thoughts... worse of all, can type out like this lagi...)

Half way writing, someone send me a message on FB.

It is from him. It writes:

Dear sin kok pei, XXX here..i just want to know your decision for our latest relationship status..is it u want to let go everything ? I just want to know the answer..it is sad and hurt when keep guessing..and is hurt when ignoring by u..anyway, thanks and looking forward the answer..i care so i want to know. Regards., XXX.

And so I wrote a LONG LONG LONG reply back to him.

Honestly, I am starting to have more doubts on you, not sure if I am thinking right or not because I wasn't in a good mood before I slept. I drafted a list, things that you have done that I felt truthful, and things that I am still not quite getting the idea of. Unfortunately the doubts are more than the events that i felt truthful on. Thus like a science article, I wrote there: Let YYY be with XXX, signed 21 April 2012 @11:53pm. Then I slept.

*Btw, I woke up in the middle of the night because someone was doing odd sounds in the toilet.


One major point that made me wrote that in the end was, I am still not sure what sort of relationship you are having with YYY. I am confused, perhaps I am stupid, I felt that I have been hearing different versions of explanation about you and her relationship, I could be wrong. Yes I slept with you when you and YYY are still officially bf-gf, making me and you, bersalah. Because 一个巴掌拍不响. I hope you realized *snap* come back to reality! May be now I get the karma?


Like I said before, although I am not bother with the bf status, but I hope to be recognized, acknowledged, as I dun like living under the shadow. I cannot see where are we heading, I am puzzled.


I am not saying that you're a burden or what, but I too, need you to make a decision, although before this I was letting you go with the decision making part, but then now I felt that it doesn't work for me, as well as YYY I guess.


Back to the conversation that day, I duno, the moment you declined to stay with me I already sensed something is not as what I was imaging, it smacked my face. I was sad, I was telling myself that you have yr reasons, mayb I cannot understand guah. To me, if I were to really love someone, I would wanna stay together with him, just like what CCC was doing, he is staying with his bf, did they argue? I don't doubt that, but why did they risk that? Are they stupid? If I argue with you, I will sleep in the living room, that's all. I understand that we need spaces, but living away from each other? I dun think I can cope with the constant missing, I would wanna see the guy I loved the first thing in the morning, and the moment before I sleep. Eventually if we are meant to be together, we are gonna be living together, so why not start now? I wonder... And this is one thing that I doubt about as well.


XXX, I remember the look out point dinner, the roses, the card, taking care of me when I was sicked, come all the way from Bukit Jalil just to fetch me go back hostel when I was wondering outside after the Jalan Sultan celebration, bring me go Pudu, fetch me from Pudu, become driver, and a very good driver I have to say, Valentine's gift: the melted chocolate cake and the melted expensive chocolates, helped me for LYNAS exhibition, waited for me and tak pernah complaint, supported my work, bring me go meet SSS and others, bought shirt for me, accompanied me for most of the weekends and weekdays, worked together... waited me even I OT for momipoko, bought porridge for me and many many more.


Have you ever thought that, may be, may be may be maybe, you just like me as a friend, a buddy, someone to hear yr problem, someone you can hug, BUT not a bf?


I know, you told me, that it is hard to make decision, to make a stand. But at least, like SW said to me as well, perhaps you should have done something to prove to me that you wanted me more than YYY? I know ur super DAMNED good to me, I enjoyed yr company and eventually I fall in love with you pretty long time ago, I told you, back in the time in setapak when u went to cut hair, a little bit drama, it was raning abit. Yes I still check out on guys, but not as much as I used to be, because eventually I become lazy because I know I have someone BETTER and REAL to look at, that's you! Deep inside, I know I have done my part, that I acknowledge you, I tell people that I am dating someone, but because it has never been official, so I just said DATING.


Should you have rejected YYY when she wanted sex with you? When I heard that, I was like: Then who am I? After all what you said, that you have no desire towards her body ald. Do you know that by having sex with her, you are telling her that you are still interested in her? Sexually? Thus, you are still interested at her, entirely. I am not sure, perhaps you are confused as well. I don't blame you much on this. I have said, and you have said, even one day if any of us slept with somebody else, we will not break up on the spot, we will sit down and talk about this.


Thus, I wanna say, I was just writing that down, it was NOT a decision, yet. But I would like to point out that, the fact that I wrote that down is because I have roughly weighted the matter.


I loved you, but I need to know if you love me as much as I do. Actually I would perfer if we talk about this face to face, I dun believe in talking about this serious things on FB. My finally decision depends on yr decision as well, you wanna break, tell me to the face, you want me, tell me to the face as well.


So, again, I prefer to meet up and talk. my apology for making you sad and hurt, but yeah, I am hurt as well. I can shove the problem away for a while to help the situation to calm down, to control the situation, but eventually, the wound will still hurt me later on. When I say I was okay, I mean that I have put the problem aside at the moment, because ur not stable, I need to make myself stable, so that I can speak with my right mind, but I can hold this very long. And just to let you know, I am not a cruel person after what has happened to my previous relationships. For me, cannot become partner doesn't mean cannot become buddy or friends, but then there will be no sex involved with my ex. It is just me. Take your time, but dun be too long okay. If u need more time, tell me, I will tell you if I can wait or not. Im looking for a guy that is sure that he wanted me, that made me feel that both can build a future together."

Oh I heard Azan ald... Wah... Need to clean the recycle bin lagi. Life moves on. La lah lah...

Again

Went interview, done, happy, confident, saw you, lagi happy, walk walk, walk walk, carpark, started the car, raining, nasi lemak, soup, balik, sex, talk, goodbye, habis.

Till now I am still unable to feel. And Izzah was saying that I was self-mutilating, what sort of disgusting word?!

I said wanted to stay with you, you said that it is not the time yet, but somehow the speedy topic turning was a tell-tale sign that you were avoiding to discuss more on the subject. I purposely change my tone, didn't you notice. No wonder you the lights off; I prefer the opposite. I prefer to face reality.

 I have chosen to confront you, I have the rights to my own feelings. I asked questions and I am glad that you were honest. Amazingly honest, but still, wrapped carefully so as not to hurt my feelings. Thanks again.

Yeah, my love can be so huge that it can cover all yr weaknesses, but it can also be very narrow that it doesn't allow the third person to fit it. If Muslim women can do with another 3, I cannot. I don't buy that idea.

I told myself that everything will be entirely on my responsibility, I choose to sleep with you, I choose to spend time with you, I choose to sacrifice for you. Somehow slowly, I developed more feelings and expectation towards you that even myself did not realize; Izzah was telling me that I was cheating myself so that I will feel better. I am not sure of that.

There was no hatred. I was just upset. It was so sudden. It was like a drama. We were all good a few hours before, and suddenly, we were crying all over, saying this and that.

But still, this is a moment wrote writing, some part of my gay relationship. I know, I am strange, very much strange, shockingly strange, abnormal.

This is sort of like my 5th relationship; it wasn't official because I was never granted THE BOY FRIEND status. We are just friends, all along, I guess; but I wanna make this my 5th because again, I put effort and I have strong feelings towards you.

Would I still believe in gay relationship? Yes I think i will. I just hope the next one would last longer. It was just pretty disappointing. Sigh... SIN KOK PEI, signing off, 2:04pm in the morning of 20th April 2012, still with a mind-wrecking assignment on Urea Cycle Disorders to summit. Sigh Sigh Sigh. Haha.

I think I need some serious snowflakes 2mrw. Who wanna date me now? Preferable KL areas, owns a transport, or else, have strong legs like mine. And most importantly, walk straight and talk straight lah. (Chinese proverb: Be frank and rightful)

*I think I am frank with myself, are you? I told him: We can only live once, thus it is very important that we be honest with ourselves, do what we like, and be who we are. It would be an utter sad case if we are living up for others expectation. Fuck expectation!

The French Chemist's odd date

On an odd occasion, though raining, I have promised a politic-fan friend to attend a talk about what what 10 days before BERSIH 3.0 thing. I think it was abit stupid because it started 1 hr later, wet ground, smokes flying all over, shouting, redundant contents, and the worse, athlete foot =.= Here are some pictures lah

 Can you see the water on the ground?!!! And the MC said: Mula mula basah, tapi kalau dah duduk lama, sedap rasanya. Well, dear MC, why don't u try to sit with us. Seriously, it was not smart to say such things.

The people started to come, as well as the press people.

 

Can you see the deer mascot? Haha, I thought it nearly fall. Haha.

My favourite Hishammudin Rais was jumping and shouting, though brief.

Was getting bored and I started to cam-whore.

Some kuih called Pudu something with kelapa floss inside. I used my handkerchief, environmental friendly mah :p 40 cent/pieces

Me and my friend took a RM10 cab, coming back from ChowKit around 11:15pm. I was already freaking bored and starting to show not-so-friendly faces.

It wasn't a good experience. I won't go to this kinda old-man show again. 

Yeah, I do think this things are some old-man show. Those shouting and smoking thingy...

Why I go? Because I am a kepo (busy-body) guy.

Should have stayed back for the interfaith forum. Or I could be cuddling myself in the room. haha

Happy day (What the fucking boring title...)

Let's just put it simple this way. Today leh I gave Hebi a special wake up call using speakers to play Prof Cheng Zhao Fei's voice to give him a morning jolt, he got surprised and laughed. I laughed as well. I thought that was something creative :p

Hopped onto his car, following at the back were Mr. Karate and Mr. Gym on a motorbike, heading to TTDI. We was fighting (happily) over whose Touch & Go card to use. I always win.

After some 30minutes of waiting for the survey people, we parted: I went into the survey agency office and he went of to praise Jesus. His suffered morning hunger for the Jesus biscuit, but ate one of the biscuits I brought for him as breakfast; when I have forgotten that he will prefer to eat anything after the Jesus Biscuit.

Bitch about the government and giggled with some modern Malay girls who played Twitter over FB because no one can bitch about u on Twitter. My morning was free Burger King and RM80 for bitching about the government and silent learning of conduction of a focus group with very standard and neutral tone. Hebi came to fetch me after that.

Bought Terayakki Chicken at Uptown and went to +wondermilk and sat there until 4:30pm. He asked me whether I was rushing back, and I told him: If it will be easier for you to send me to Titiwangsa, then come back to The Curve, then go back Bukit Jalil, mah go on this plan loh. 15minutes later, I saw 1Utama... what sort of stupid plan I have told him?!!!!

Went to Sony to fix the videocam problem (tripod mark at the bottom of the videocam wor... said he wanna fix that so that his stupid brother won't be mad with him again... Btw, I think his brother is abit mental), went to see Hyundai car, commented on the Flyer girl's rather "sopan" outfit, battled whether wanna eat the new Mc'D Horlick McFlurry. I put the McFlurry cup on the auto pay machine and I got 14 Fifty cents coins. And he fed me in public. *wink wink

Driving along a long long highway, chit chatted in the car, saw the crushed doggie body on the road, the kites, the condos, and the huge golden statute of Muruga? Ate at Wangsa Maju and Hebi had a feeling that this gay guy was checking out on me. I won the staring game (I never lose in playing embarrassment games.)

Went to ambil Peter Lee's (Hebi's best straight friend, never met him before, went studying in Aussie, not sure if he could pass, I am evil I know, but just trying to be realistic lah) barang dekat Melawati condo, met this cute bisexual guy, and took the tilam, the bantal and the dumbbells. He was pretty cute. Hebi knew him through FB. I knew Hebi through FB as well. Thanks Mark Zuckerburg, I owed u for this.

Turned into Jalan Titiwangsa and parked the car outside the hostel. He kissed me and rest on my lap. I patted him and told him we should focus on more important stuffs at the moment, we had enough of romance at the moment. I kissed him as well. Though I wanted more private moment with him, I guessed we should both go back and rest, for more assignments await us =.=

Hebi, I had a beautiful day. Without you, my day would be dull and lack of lubrication *Erh... Wink Wink!

I love you Hebi. I know I have been thinking bad. I missed u badly and I hope I can stay with u at Kilala, if fate permits. I am hoping for the best! I do wish to go back home, see u, hug u, and kiss you to sleep in the future. I wanna walk my life with you.

Yeah, a happy day *wink wink :p

Tiger and Stitch

I feel that my feelings towards you have changed. I have gone deeper. I am started to have more expectation on you. The moment I saw yr profile picture: Tiger and Stitch. I actually felt insecure and sad.

Did I think too much? I should more faith in you, shouldn't I?

I should not expect too much on you. I should not have gone too far, should I? We are just friends, right?

I think I think too much already. U did text me everyday... I know...

Perhaps I should start an emotional insurance. He is just a passer-by; and I need to put more time on my ambition. Alone? Nuh... I will have more friends to come. SKP. I am okay. Still sneering?

HEBI

It has been the 5th month we have known each other and we have never actually quite failed to meet each other every single week. Even back in the Chinese New Year period, he came to visit me in Sungai Petani and gave me a mixture of jolt and puzzlement when he strode into the deserted Tesco Selatan in Sungai Petani (Yeah! There are 2 Tescos in Sungai Petani; one located at the northern part and the other at the southern part.)

Nonetheless, the fact that he is still staying under one roof with his "girl friend" (seriously I have no idea how to categorize her status, he claimed that both of them is no longer bound in relationship but he cannot seem to be able to let her go because they have been 3 years together; I somehow see myself and the "lelaki simpanan" lah. I know... E-yew...) made him unable to be officially single. Yeah lah I know, kinda mixed up kan, if this were an issue in the office or work related matter, I would have forced him out of an answer. But still, this is relationship and human matters, I felt that this is no monkey business; he is in struggle. He prefers to let things flow by itself; but he also understand that it is not fair for me. I mean we have been doing things that couples are doing, at least that is what I felt lah. If I were to force an answer out of him, I thought that I would have been selfish (because I have been thinking about my own insecurity instead of him).

Somehow, since we are not officially together, we also felt odd to use the pronounce DEAR; instead we used HEBI. (OMG, the reason I wrote this is because I felt abit emo about it but now it felt like something jubilant pulak? Haha) HEBI means 虾米 in Hokkiean. The came-about of this term was once I was in a pretty down mood and he drove me to Genting Klang for dinner. We set down in a pan-mee shop and he asked me whether I wanted HEBI. Before that I was in a pretty grumpy face, but he put a smile on face (plus a giggle) when he said that in a childish accent. HEBI HEBI :-) It was back in a I-have-forgotten-time, but definitely within the 5 month time loh.

(Oh dah sampai Auto-city! I am writing this on a TRANSNATIONAL bus, I supported TRANSNATIONAL like how some rakyat supported BN. Haha)

Supposedly it something sad lah, but then again, the more I think, I just felt happy... Ain I stupid?

I am gonna be out of the varsity in another 2.5 months time and he will be out in another month. I duno what will happen in the future,I don't dare to think, somehow. 

Hopefully, in the near future, when the alarm start buzzing at 6:45am, I would be able to stop it on time so as to not wake the tiny hunk beside me, get up and paste a notepad on a cup of salt water saying: Good morning HEBI, another day to work loh, gambateh! Signed, HEBI. (because he sleeps more than me and late than me, most of the time :p)

(Nevermind if Malaysia recognized gay marriage, no one cares anyway, unless some people wanna buat pandai "Oh we wanna protect the religious  institution of the country" like now loh, bullshit lah. People don't just suddenly become gay for nothing, it is a great deal of challenge ahead okay, lagi lagi if ur a Malay in Malaysia. Foo... Things just can't get more interesting in Malaysia, for the gay scene.)

Posted this one day before I wanna go back KL. Gila punya orang (I mean myself lah...)

Esok boleh jumpa HEBI liao :P

Politics of diversion.

Recently, if one follows closely with the news, it would be impossible not to notice the sudden alarm on the LGBTIQ issue by the government and some parties. Out of the blue, the Department of Information (which comes under the Ministry of Information, Communications and Culture) has decided to BAN anything in regard of the LGBTIQ community from the radio and TV. Another example would be that the Deputy Prime Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin referring LGBT as a sexual orientation disorder.

On 17^th May 1990, the World Health Organization (WHO) has already removed homosexuality from their list of mental disorders; now we have an EDUCATION MINISTER come telling us that homosexuality it is a sexual orientation disorder? What does that tell you? The very fact that a person no less than a minister (mind you, an EDUCATION minister!) has uttered such statement is a proof that he doesn't educate himself. Should he be allowed to hold that position in the future? Now I am not sure if we should ban LGBT or ban him? Or should WHO be BANNED as well?

Since an international body has given statement that homosexuality is no longer a mental disorder MORE THAN A DECADE AGO, so what is the point of allocating how many thousands of the Rakyat's money into "curing" something that is not even an illness at all? Is that a misuse of public fund? Tell me otherwise.

The mysterious and closeted world of LGBTIQ makes people come up with various sort of stories and myth. Some people believe that LGBTIQ-ism can spread like virus; most religion institutes regard it as something WRONG. Thus, I would not be surprised that most people will agree that BANNING LGBTIQ-ism on the mass media is one way to “curb” the “illness”, just like banning cigarette advertisement (but mind you, I am still seeing Mildseven and the new 501 thing in 7-11 outlet; of course everyone understands that revenue one can generate from the industry can be very attractive indeed. And smoking is HARAM by the way.) But then again, does it work that way?

Many people may not realize that being part of LGBTIQ community is nothing cool, it is not a fashion and it is certainly not something glamorous. We are talking about sexual orientation for heaven sake! People don’t just wake up next day and suddenly prefer to hang out with the same sex just because someone watched GLEE or The Ellen DeGeneres Show the day before? In fact, there is hardly any major popular show that goes by something like How homosexuality improves my life or Trans-sexuality: The alternatives lifestyle. (I wonder if there is any program that starts off with someone saying something like: Hei, my name is John and I am gay.) Plus, there is not much of LGBTIQ people featured on the media, why the Uh & Ah to ban it? Sometimes, one may not even know the person standing or living next to him/her is not straight! Gay/ lesbian people don’t wear a tag telling the rest of the world that he/she is gay/lesbian, so as any other straight people!

I am not sure if LGBTIQ-ism is something some people are born with, or it could be due to the surrounding such as food hormones and psychological conditioning. There is so far no well established reason on why people “turning into” part of the LGBTIQ community. Why doing the BAN when LGBTIQ is not even a mental disorder or some major social problem?

Let’s forget about whether LGBT is right or wrong, have anyone ever thought of why the sudden LGBT fuss when there are tones more serious problem yet to be addressed? Let’s not rewind too deep into the history book, the recent one includes the LYNAS rare earth refinery plant in Gebeng, the call for clean and fair election as being raised by BERSIH 2.0, the conflicts of interest on government projects, and a few to name. Why is that so urgent to address such “problem” that has been there all the time?

One highly possible reason is that the LGBTIQ issue has been used as a decoy to divert the attention of the people from the OTHER more serious matters simply because election is just around the corner. The ruling government wanted to be seen as the Good Samaritan for the religious institute and the rest of people for fight against LGBTIQ in a country dominated by a majority of Muslim. These people will think of anything to gain more votes from the bigger community. At the end, it is just nothing more than the politics of diversion.

I just feel that people should not solely count on one information source to make up their minds on certain issues. Plus it is also very essential to give a second thought on the credibility of any information.  

(Ohya, if banning LGBTIQ-ism on the basis of negative influences is valid enough, how about banning fat people on TV as well? If the people could have “learned” to adopt LGBTIQ-ism, they could also have “learned” to adopt obesity, thinking that it is something cool or worth trying? Who knows? The banning of fat people on mass media may push for a significant effect on combating obesity in the country?)

ps: Personally I do not find myself an alien from anyone else apart from one tiny part of my life: sexuality. Like any other people, I do believe in love and passion for life. What I do on bed is nothing much of others business, but I do find there is something not right with incest and rape, as well as a pair of loose slacks.

(Writing this for Seksualiti Merdeka thingy... Ai... I wanna pening liao. When can I write like Dina Zaman or Anthony Teoh?)