Again

Went interview, done, happy, confident, saw you, lagi happy, walk walk, walk walk, carpark, started the car, raining, nasi lemak, soup, balik, sex, talk, goodbye, habis.

Till now I am still unable to feel. And Izzah was saying that I was self-mutilating, what sort of disgusting word?!

I said wanted to stay with you, you said that it is not the time yet, but somehow the speedy topic turning was a tell-tale sign that you were avoiding to discuss more on the subject. I purposely change my tone, didn't you notice. No wonder you the lights off; I prefer the opposite. I prefer to face reality.

 I have chosen to confront you, I have the rights to my own feelings. I asked questions and I am glad that you were honest. Amazingly honest, but still, wrapped carefully so as not to hurt my feelings. Thanks again.

Yeah, my love can be so huge that it can cover all yr weaknesses, but it can also be very narrow that it doesn't allow the third person to fit it. If Muslim women can do with another 3, I cannot. I don't buy that idea.

I told myself that everything will be entirely on my responsibility, I choose to sleep with you, I choose to spend time with you, I choose to sacrifice for you. Somehow slowly, I developed more feelings and expectation towards you that even myself did not realize; Izzah was telling me that I was cheating myself so that I will feel better. I am not sure of that.

There was no hatred. I was just upset. It was so sudden. It was like a drama. We were all good a few hours before, and suddenly, we were crying all over, saying this and that.

But still, this is a moment wrote writing, some part of my gay relationship. I know, I am strange, very much strange, shockingly strange, abnormal.

This is sort of like my 5th relationship; it wasn't official because I was never granted THE BOY FRIEND status. We are just friends, all along, I guess; but I wanna make this my 5th because again, I put effort and I have strong feelings towards you.

Would I still believe in gay relationship? Yes I think i will. I just hope the next one would last longer. It was just pretty disappointing. Sigh... SIN KOK PEI, signing off, 2:04pm in the morning of 20th April 2012, still with a mind-wrecking assignment on Urea Cycle Disorders to summit. Sigh Sigh Sigh. Haha.

I think I need some serious snowflakes 2mrw. Who wanna date me now? Preferable KL areas, owns a transport, or else, have strong legs like mine. And most importantly, walk straight and talk straight lah. (Chinese proverb: Be frank and rightful)

*I think I am frank with myself, are you? I told him: We can only live once, thus it is very important that we be honest with ourselves, do what we like, and be who we are. It would be an utter sad case if we are living up for others expectation. Fuck expectation!