It really puzzles me, seriously! It made things even worse when it is ONLY one word: Nite, then full stop! Most probably I have been downgraded to a close friend, or he could be having a hard time, but trying to stir a conversation? Ohya, I said I will text him later in the late evening and I didn't after I saw that instagram FB picture of the McD he was having with his gf (I think this suits her status more). I was reluctant.
He doesn't owe me an explanation I guess, but excuse me, I am still human. And I am not stupid, my IQ and EQ is even higher than him (unfortunately I am just saying this to make myself feel better...) I can detect body languages and, too bad, perhaps he wasn't a complex human being, or I could have been an alien all the while (see, I am starting to go insane already by no filtering my thoughts... worse of all, can type out like this lagi...)
Half way writing, someone send me a message on FB.
It is from him. It writes:
Dear sin kok pei, XXX here..i just want to know your decision for our latest relationship status..is it u want to let go everything ? I just want to know the answer..it is sad and hurt when keep guessing..and is hurt when ignoring by u..anyway, thanks and looking forward the answer..i care so i want to know. Regards., XXX.And so I wrote a LONG LONG LONG reply back to him.
Honestly, I am starting to have more doubts on you, not sure if I am thinking right or not because I wasn't in a good mood before I slept. I drafted a list, things that you have done that I felt truthful, and things that I am still not quite getting the idea of. Unfortunately the doubts are more than the events that i felt truthful on. Thus like a science article, I wrote there: Let YYY be with XXX, signed 21 April 2012 @11:53pm. Then I slept.
*Btw, I woke up in the middle of the night because someone was doing odd sounds in the toilet.Oh I heard Azan ald... Wah... Need to clean the recycle bin lagi. Life moves on. La lah lah...
One major point that made me wrote that in the end was, I am still not sure what sort of relationship you are having with YYY. I am confused, perhaps I am stupid, I felt that I have been hearing different versions of explanation about you and her relationship, I could be wrong. Yes I slept with you when you and YYY are still officially bf-gf, making me and you, bersalah. Because 一个巴掌拍不响. I hope you realized *snap* come back to reality! May be now I get the karma?
Like I said before, although I am not bother with the bf status, but I hope to be recognized, acknowledged, as I dun like living under the shadow. I cannot see where are we heading, I am puzzled.
I am not saying that you're a burden or what, but I too, need you to make a decision, although before this I was letting you go with the decision making part, but then now I felt that it doesn't work for me, as well as YYY I guess.
Back to the conversation that day, I duno, the moment you declined to stay with me I already sensed something is not as what I was imaging, it smacked my face. I was sad, I was telling myself that you have yr reasons, mayb I cannot understand guah. To me, if I were to really love someone, I would wanna stay together with him, just like what CCC was doing, he is staying with his bf, did they argue? I don't doubt that, but why did they risk that? Are they stupid? If I argue with you, I will sleep in the living room, that's all. I understand that we need spaces, but living away from each other? I dun think I can cope with the constant missing, I would wanna see the guy I loved the first thing in the morning, and the moment before I sleep. Eventually if we are meant to be together, we are gonna be living together, so why not start now? I wonder... And this is one thing that I doubt about as well.
XXX, I remember the look out point dinner, the roses, the card, taking care of me when I was sicked, come all the way from Bukit Jalil just to fetch me go back hostel when I was wondering outside after the Jalan Sultan celebration, bring me go Pudu, fetch me from Pudu, become driver, and a very good driver I have to say, Valentine's gift: the melted chocolate cake and the melted expensive chocolates, helped me for LYNAS exhibition, waited for me and tak pernah complaint, supported my work, bring me go meet SSS and others, bought shirt for me, accompanied me for most of the weekends and weekdays, worked together... waited me even I OT for momipoko, bought porridge for me and many many more.
Have you ever thought that, may be, may be may be maybe, you just like me as a friend, a buddy, someone to hear yr problem, someone you can hug, BUT not a bf?
I know, you told me, that it is hard to make decision, to make a stand. But at least, like SW said to me as well, perhaps you should have done something to prove to me that you wanted me more than YYY? I know ur super DAMNED good to me, I enjoyed yr company and eventually I fall in love with you pretty long time ago, I told you, back in the time in setapak when u went to cut hair, a little bit drama, it was raning abit. Yes I still check out on guys, but not as much as I used to be, because eventually I become lazy because I know I have someone BETTER and REAL to look at, that's you! Deep inside, I know I have done my part, that I acknowledge you, I tell people that I am dating someone, but because it has never been official, so I just said DATING.
Should you have rejected YYY when she wanted sex with you? When I heard that, I was like: Then who am I? After all what you said, that you have no desire towards her body ald. Do you know that by having sex with her, you are telling her that you are still interested in her? Sexually? Thus, you are still interested at her, entirely. I am not sure, perhaps you are confused as well. I don't blame you much on this. I have said, and you have said, even one day if any of us slept with somebody else, we will not break up on the spot, we will sit down and talk about this.
Thus, I wanna say, I was just writing that down, it was NOT a decision, yet. But I would like to point out that, the fact that I wrote that down is because I have roughly weighted the matter.
I loved you, but I need to know if you love me as much as I do. Actually I would perfer if we talk about this face to face, I dun believe in talking about this serious things on FB. My finally decision depends on yr decision as well, you wanna break, tell me to the face, you want me, tell me to the face as well.
So, again, I prefer to meet up and talk. my apology for making you sad and hurt, but yeah, I am hurt as well. I can shove the problem away for a while to help the situation to calm down, to control the situation, but eventually, the wound will still hurt me later on. When I say I was okay, I mean that I have put the problem aside at the moment, because ur not stable, I need to make myself stable, so that I can speak with my right mind, but I can hold this very long. And just to let you know, I am not a cruel person after what has happened to my previous relationships. For me, cannot become partner doesn't mean cannot become buddy or friends, but then there will be no sex involved with my ex. It is just me. Take your time, but dun be too long okay. If u need more time, tell me, I will tell you if I can wait or not. Im looking for a guy that is sure that he wanted me, that made me feel that both can build a future together."
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