田馥甄 - My Love

如果你被他傷得很痛
請感謝他好心折磨
如果你對他感到愧疚
請感謝他慷慨磊落
在我們相遇相愛之前
多虧有他讓你承受
如果你現在孤獨沉默
請感謝這美麗等候
如果你還在為愛犯錯
請感謝還沒找到我
要走完美的聚焦路口
我們才懂愛是折磨
woo woo my love
woo woo woo my love
如果慶幸我值得擁有
請感謝我被放棄過
如果欣賞我堅強溫柔
請感謝那珍貴傷口
在我們相遇相愛之後
遺憾都會變成守候
woo woo my love
woo woo woo my love
等我們終於緊緊相擁
所有苦難會將沒結果
我們就耐心交流
愛會來的在對的時候
woo woo my love
woo woo woo my love
woo woo my love
woo woo woo my love

Since the loud speaker is just right beside me at the Fashion house, I have been listening quite a few time to this song and what the singer shared on her feelings.

For those who managed to make their first ever relationship lasted till now (and more time to go in the future), I guessed u guys are damned lucky- to have found the right person in the first try?!

I have friends who got together right after SPM and still going strong even though they were in not in the same country most of the time. Yes, I am envious over their strong bonds.

(I am not sure whether this guy friend noticed or not-most probably not I guess- that I find his polite disapproval over homosexuality, unfortunately, upset me (though no much lah). U and yr lovely wonderful girl friend have made a living example for me to believe that real love existed, and that long distance relationship is not impossible; but dude, do u know that you are killing my love stories?)

I have had a few relationship with guys. And I have found each and every one of them- educational and inspiring. I did hate them initially, but eventually I acknowledge their flaws, as well as mine, when it comes to managing a relationship. Hence, we are still friends instead of foes.

(I shall shut my mouth and try hard to disclose any issues that has connection with others~ I learned :-) And if you are reading, I hope yr monk bf did not give up his noble vegetarian diet because of u, or else, both of u go to HELL! *Ops, the bitch has slipped out it's tail, sorry~ )

Right now, after gaining experience from previous relationships, I have managed to come out with an outline for love and relationship. Never do I dare to say that I know a lot, but at least it is better than the last time. For example: NO ride-on-the-cow-while-searching-for-the-horse (a Cantonese proverb that means clinging on something not that good, when the better choice has shown up, it will be time to say bye bye... which is something not so responsible * I have done that unfortunately~)

In fact, I am very thankful over my exs. Without u guys, I wouldn't be the person I am today :-) I have learned to manage, to let go, to forgive and ultimately, TO LOVE :-)

What is LOVE actually? Can we measure it?

Guess it would be way too boring to have figured out the entire wisdom at the age of 23, but I guess I am near to the answer :-)

Hmm... finding the answer hand in hand with my flings, exs, many bfs and THE future hubby... not bad huh~ Haha~

: : 愛會來的在對的時候 : :

(Love will come at the right time)

~It's all right Mr Straight, I will love myself, I promise~

Helo~ Anybody home? I am looking for SKP

Sunday was planned to be supposedly peace of mind and full of serenity but the morning was unfortunately ruined by the fact that satin fabric cannot take in color!!!- and thus the excitement of putting the finishing touch to my box-bag was brought down to below freezing point! Sigh~

This piece of cloth is a kind of satin,

but unfortunately it did not take much color :-( 

Something geometry~

(Box-bag is like a picnic box something like that lah... I made it saje-saje since I recalled Alex Yap having one- he is a fashion designer graduated from Malaysian Institute of Art, and I always thought that we could have been classmates if I were to accept MIA's offer back in 2008. WAKE UP!!! YOUR ASS IS IN UKM NOW!!!)

Instead of dreading and getting more angry, I went for lunch at the kitchen.

(Right now at 2:15pm, my father is now cooking fish mee for himself after his lunch at 12pm... FYI, he looks exactly like a pregnant woman- not that he has a fat face or flabby arms, but his tummy is just... huge... sort of like a hungry ghost... Oh Lord, talking about hungry ghost festival... I cannot stand so I just watched him working his clumsy way in the kitchen- imagine kids playing masak-masak with the fire... damned dangerous~ )

The menu was not much of my fancies but I did not complain because I know my mom has done her best. Being able to eat something prepared by mom is more than enough :-) And it also reflected how her gay son appeared extremely useless in the kitchen- cooking has not made it into my hobby list, YET.

It was not too late to get back the supposedly planned serenity on Sunday, so I ate slowly while enjoying the mini jungle behind the house.

Does it look like jungle to you?!

Sometimes we can see biawak crawling around there~

Yet, fucking lots of things rushed their way into my mind... the books I need to finished lah... the songs I need to download for my mom lah... the arcade games... the pictures I need to edit for my new FB profile picture ah...

STOP!!!!! Focus SKP! Focus!!! Sunday serenity! Sunday serenity!

Father... so okay... ONLY think about father then... but still... make it slow~

Since the tauke-so at the fashion house forced her filial ideology into my brain, I thought I should add-in one more thing into Sunday serenity- talk to my father.

My father has been living aimlessly after his retirement from his work as a tukang-kayu. He spent his day watching every Chinese News report without really knowing what are being reported, smoking, and sitting looking outside the house. What the fuck is wrong with him!!!

Yesterday, tauke-so told me that I should understand my parents, because everyone only has a biological father and a biological mother. Never expect them to understand us because they may have more than 1 kid. (Mom, sorry for expecting u to understand my bird brain~ I know you are trying yr best, thanks~ I love u)

Seriously I have failed understand my father for I dun really understand myself either and so face-to-face talk would be easier, I guess.

Actually we had this son-to-father (instead of father-to-son, I was the person who initiated the talk) talk before this, and the answer I got was he doesn't know what to do, just wait to die. (How could an adult tell such things to his son?!!!)

I can only concluded, he has no life mission- he has lead a life according to the mundane life syllabus: work-marry-baby-raise baby-work-retire-die.

And this very thought induced another idea: life mission is extremely crucial to keep people alive! (And I wondered why some souls still linger around mortal realm? May be because they die without completing their life mission, which is too important to them?)

Looking back at myself, I have been doing this and doing that. For what? Do I have a life mission?
I took some time to ponder and I think I have too much hidden inside my bird brain, but what seems fancy at the moment are (yeah, more than one, plural form!)

1. Find my soul mate :-)
2. Continue with my fashion fantasy, even though I do not manage to make it to international.
3. Visit Japan again, this time with my family.
4. Really CLUB in a gay club, haha~
5. Grad from UKM and get a great job!

I guess there is only one life mission: to live life without regrets! And this life mission is made of many many mini missions, which 5 are already shown above, and there are many more to come in the future, if I do not die young. Haha.

I need to talk to my father fast for I need to help my mom to close her stall in a while!

Have u ever thought of your life missions? Gambateh! U, me and everyone! Especially Mr straight ;-) I miss u!

The HOLY post

Yes, I am HOLY at the present time, having HOLY thoughts and ... not really that HOLY punya action, haha~

This is another post dedicated to the very person who has triggered my emotional roller coaster, resulting something as in the previous post: Breaking up (even we have never been), Walking away from the 10 years and To dear Mr. right (* written long time ago loh~ When I broke up) .

Dear Mr Straight (so-called lah~), u have been away to Austria for some kinda college experimental car racing stuffs right after our last conversation on MSN. I have been thinking of u from time to time every single day. Sometimes when I look at the clock for time, I would minus 7.5 hrs, and wonder what u would be doing. When I am talking lunch, u will most probably just wake up from yr slumber land; when I go to bed, u may be ready with yr dinner set. I have been intoxicated by u.

But at the same time, I gave someone some sexual therapy (Well, he just broke up while I need it at the time, so made funny excuses for the "sinful" action~) and I flirted with a few guys. Hence, these activities made me wondered: Do I really really LOVE u? Or I am just being trapped inside a cage of histories? Shouldn't I just have a little chat with that someone instead of having that sort of activity which I labelled as therapy? Shouldn't I just control myself from flirting with other guys? Even if I were to have u as my bf, would I be loyal enough to u?

Eventually I stopped the hell of thought and just tell myself to be myself :-) And Jeng Jeng Jeng, something HOLY happened! Here comes the HOLY thoughts:

I was like: Okay fine. I should not have thought of waiting or attempt to change yr sexual orientation, because a change in one's sexual orientation may be due to end-of-the-world matters, such as being dumped by the girl u loved the most or gone through horrible experience with females- at least that's what I have heard and hypothesized lah~

Dear, I think I do love u and I dun think I should stab myself in the heart to let go everything-for it pretty impossible to let go EVERYTHING- though the hard facts tell me that we have never ever had anything before~ Sigh, such an irony to myself :-( Anyway, I like win-win situation.

I dun wan anything like horrible break-ups or lousy female drama happening on u. All I wanted from u is to see u smiling and be contented with yr achievements. Go become a successful engineer in Germany lah, I will visit if I got some extra money :-)

Ohya, I will listen to u; I will find a better guy (though I kinda doubt anyone would nearly replace u lah~ Not that ur very good, but I just haven't lost that feeling towards u~) and I won't treat myself bad. I will love myself more and see things in a more mature way :-)

Somehow, it seems that we are very different people. I have never been appealing to u in any kinda way. I screamed and shouted in front of u like a maniac just to get yr attention and u just looked at me in disgust and embarrassment. I am sissy- even a kid can see that- and I am fine with that :-) I cherished the person I am now!

Loving someone is not like possessing someone, make him yr own toy and feel happy with it. I guess it is really about giving the best for that someone special no matter he is with u or not.

I guess now I need to add another criteria to my future bf: that he should be able to accept the fact that I still have feeling for another guy- a straight guy. For me, I will play my part as well; I will be as loyal as possible to my future bf. Even Mr Straight were to turn to me one day, although it is a sad story, I will still stick with the one whom spent quality time and love with me all this while. No more riding-on-a-cow-while-searching-for-a-horse; which means be settled with something second best while keep on the look-out for THE BEST.

Ohya again, before I end this, I want to note that the words that u said to me last time- about u wanted to see me with my labels and designs, that u wanted to wear the clothes I designed- really gave a great deal of energy to keep me going :-) When I felt bad at the tailor shop, when I felt like I have been joked around, I will take power from yr words, so that I have enough courage to hang on, to be patient and be brave. Thanks :-) I will keep that in heart. I will remember the things u said :-) Meet u on the route of happiness dude :-) Signing off... happily~

 Dear future hubby, thanks for understanding me :-)