The lapse

I still remember vividly how I met him about 10 months ago. I was wearing some faggot-ish tight short that I need to readjust again and again whenever I stand up from a sitting position. He, with his small Hyundai Atoz parked outside my college waiting for me, wore a pair of very cool aviator (or u can just call it shades or sun glasses), body fitted shirt to show off his pretty much buffed body, and a pair of what I think is very very panas punya non-cotton jeans. I have already fall for his look; but I acted cool.

I never thought that we would have a more intimate relationship back then. I thought it would be some Hi-friend kinda relationship. I knew he has a girl friend back then. After the Hei-I-think-ur-hot text message, I believed that we have never failed to text each other starting that day.

On 3^rd September 12:00am until 12:00am of 4^th September, I received no message from him; nor I text him anything. Eventually, it happened. This is the first day we stopped texting each other.

I had happened more than 3 times that I got jealous when he hangs out with her. I would pull off some stupid drama by being cold to him. Initially he would still tolerate me, after that he told me that he won’t be happy if I behaved this way; he felt that he did no wrong.

Yes he did no wrong indeed. In fact, the problem was me. I was jealous. I felt insecure. And so does her.

Even though I have heard him telling me that she wanted to break up, to stay away from him. But still, no matter how, I can see her commenting on his status in a bf-gf tone. She would like most of his status. I liked none; because I didn’t feel right to LIKE them.

Yesterday he told me that he couldn’t stand this. He wanted to know what has gone wrong. Why was I being cold to him? Frankly, I told him everything. I told him that I was jealous because he seems closer to her. He had promised her to have dinner with her every weekend.  I admit that I am jealous of this. He would give his promise to her. (but please note that he would try to have dinner with me on most weekdays.)

Yes I am red-eyed monster (or green-eyed?) The more I answered his questions, the more I felt like I NEED to withdraw from this relationship. It doesn’t feel doing us good. It is obvious that she doesn’t wanted me to be around with him. Perhaps that’s why she made him promised to spend the weekends with her? (or he voluntarily offered that, I duno.)

Finally I told him that I wanted to withdraw myself from all these mess. I didn’t tell him, but I feel: If I left, she will be happy, and although he may suffer some, I guess at least he still seems to earn the credits of making her version of so-called “improvement” by avoiding any kinda homosexuality. 

I am not sad at the moment. Nor I am happy. I missed him occasionally though. How can I forget the previous texting on every morning, lunch time, dinner time, and before sleep? I need time.

There is always this period of time when I will suffer later. It will take me a while to realize what was gone eventually. Before that comes, what kinda preparation should I make? Another half an hour in the gym? Like a friend told me, books and gym will not help much.

At least, I am doing something to help myself. Call me selfish. But I think this decision will do us good. I don’t need to pull off more drama to annoy him, he can spend more time reconnecting with her.

I am single. I was never in-a-relationship with anyone in 10 months time. I was never recognized anyway. 

Still smirking? For how long? Life just could not get any more interesting, can it?

Dear Hebi, my dearest Hebi, I hope for the best for you, and her. Adious~

爱你不如爱上海。 Would it be better if I love the ocean, than loving you?