It reached me today

I didn't really felt much when Ad wanted to break up with me. We just started not more than 1 month and I was just giving the relationship a try. Who knows things may work out?

He is attracted to gentleman who speaks fluent English... which I think is pretty naive, haha~

He cried when I sort of rejected him when we first met... such a emotional cry-baby, but I popped the question anyway, sort of like a fast way to calm him down.

He pulled me into the pedestrian when we were walking beside a dark road with car zooming from time to time back in Chang Lun... quite caring towards his tall and strong bf Haha :-)

He pulled my shirt from behind because he was afraid of the horrible crowd going into the Monorail at Times Square Station... wanted me to protect him wor~ which I guessed he was just sengaja doing that.

When he REALLY REALLY smiled and his attractive pairs of eyes just went into 2 lines, like the time we were in the shower room together, got me mesmerized. In fact, I just managed to see he smiling in that kinda way twice when we met.

Today, when I was putting the handkerchief into the washing pail in my room, I wondered: Did anyone give me such kinda thing before during my birthday? Something that I really wanted.

Handkerchiefs? Something not-so-expensive like some rich guy would be bother of. But he remembered, that I once told him that I needed one back in Chang Lun. Yes lah, he hit the jackpot already.

After my birthday, we broke up- it was the second time. Then after sometime, he came to KL in support of Seksualiti Merdeka and wanted to give me the present. I still remembered his sheepish smiles when we saw me in the midst of people in Times Square. I have always enjoyed looking at him smiling just like an innocent kid, but in fact, I do think that he is quite innocent.

The time he went back to Ipoh from Puduraya, I bit him goodbye like the last time- wait there looking up at him through the window til the bus departed. He told me that he had a great time with me in KL. Unfortunately, things took a rough turn when I tried my luck to win him back the next few day.

We sort of have an argument and eventually he asked me not to disturb him again. Did he know that I was REALLY sad when I hurt him, but I wasn't sure what exactly I did that hurt him so much. There were tears, but not much. I just don't like hurting others if I wasn't on evil mode. He is quite sensitive, but once the tantrum is over, he is a real good kid.

Again, he text me and said that he was fine already after some time. But then, the drama came back again- which I am kinda lazy to tell. Sigh~

I tried to explain myself and I thought we should talk over it. So in the weekend after the Kopitalk @ Albion KL, I called him to tell him what I felt, without censoring anything-as suggested by Mr. Moonface.

A few time of similar cases previously taught me that he was not doing well listening to what I have said over the phone, because he will just kept saying Uhm and talked very little.

He did tell me that he has not managed to forget me and he hated himself for that. But then, that is normal right? I mean I didn't cheat with others and I didn't commit any major mistake that I realized?! Usually it is easier to let go of someone through hatred. May be he too just felt that we aren't suitable to be couples?

He told me that I made his eyes wet when text him asking him to be strong and move on.

Apart from my mother and the train accident during Form 3, I guessed no one cried in matter related to me. Let alone the people I teased or annoyed till they cried lah~

Dear Ad, I really regretted the fact that we didn't survive the hardship of the relationship. We had great time. But perhaps we did not meet at the right time- that both of us are still not ready yet. Thus, we did not make it. The pain of losing you has somehow reached me today, it really hurts, my dear.

Somehow this left me being afraid of getting into any relationship in the near future. My previous relationships did not last more than 1 and a half month. I don't want to endure the pain of losing a partner again. I need some rest. Yeah, I really do.