Subang guy. Carousel. Tanya Chua.

Been listening to Tanya Chua's <Carousel>. It felt like a breakup song. It is so soothing that I am addicted to it, I have forgotten how much time I repeated the song.

Meanwhile I bang my head to the company's glass door and it was my first time in my life I see open wound such large. I saw flesh. Blood was dripping down. Colleague helped me stop the bleeding and later on contributed RM274 to Columbia Asia PJ for the whole thing.

Then I been thinking about Subang guy. Our last conversation was on Monday and today is Sunday. Perhaps he was busy with work. Perhaps he has been busy with moving into the new house. I didn't tell him that I hurt myself, it was not even a big deal anyway. Several people saw my FB post and text me. I was waiting for his message. I guess he didn't even check my FB post. Therefore, I conclude that I am not his priority. This is a real NSA, I felt I could not take it, not with him.

I am upset. I am not angry. I felt I am nothing. I drove around meeting people, running errant, working out. At times I went auto-pilot. I am yearning for someone's attention, someone exclusive. How funny, I fucked around still.

Oh this loveTook a thousand ridesOn a big spinning carouselWe took our final ride on the carouselOh this loveWasn't made to last so they sayWhen everything felt rightStill kept falling apartDespite how hard we tried

Dear subang guy, if you're reading this, which I highly doubt it. Let's just be friends. I have not courage to text you at all. I will just let it wash off. As much as I can boast about myself, looking confident, I am, most of the time, lack confidence. I am invisible. I am just a fading shadow.