Single and horny

I met a friend's friend and right away I get his number to ask him for kinky session. He declined. It felt like I have just lost a sales account. I drove home trying to calm myself. I wasn't upset, it drove me looking for guys on JackD while I am driving. It was simply dangerous and stupid. I reached home safe.

I wanked myself off in the shower. I thought, instead of looking out like a maniac, offering yourself to random people, why not I just stop offering myself, I make it hard for people to get me. After all, I am nothing less good looking. (trying to console myself.)

It seems many guys are single. It seems no one into fun with me lately. No that much of people text me on JackD too, perhaps I wrote something very uncomfortable to see. 

I listened to Tanya Chua's song very frequently lately. I could fall into depression any sooner without my crazy thoughts. At times I have to thank myself for being crazy because it seems I can auto-correct my emotion when it is at critical stage. At times I could not calm my mind. Things keep coming in, the people in the gym, the conversation I had with my boss, my work, dental appointment... 

Anyway, back to the song, today's song was KEEP BREATHING. 

我努力活
去相處著
那些不快樂 
也努力過
去相信著 
我是愛我的
越是簡單越困難呢
我從前不曉得
夢醒來
淚擦乾 
學會跟另一個我坦白
面對面
別隱瞞
那些疼痛其實沒離開
將呼吸
再緩慢
聆聽身體的獨白

To Subang guy, I failed to understand which part of me could not attract your attention. Having met people in my life, I don't think I am inferior to my peers. I could be syok sendiri. I text him yesterday night after the one week interval we didn't text, the response was very short. Yeah-you-too those kinda message. I thought, texting me or thinking me could have been less appealing to watching Kang Xi, then I guess there is nothing more I can say, I would just leave quietly. 

I am upset. I am not smart at certain instances. Some people never dated anyone before, I felt the prognosis looks far more better than a person who dated several guys but never seem to retain them long enough to proceed to another level of relationship. I blamed myself for not being stable. It felt fucked-up. 

I am upset with myself, I also pity myself.