In a way, the organ located inside my skull
don’t fancy the idea of me being with someone who never really gave me much
security. It says: Why are you investing your time on him? There could be other
more interesting guys out there, you know!
Meanwhile, the imaginary
not-to-say-it-is-an-organ “organ” located somewhere inside the chest rebutted:
Why not? You love him don’t you? You understand that he is pretty much torn
apart, right? And he doesn’t wanna promise anything he can’t do! Just give him
some more time okay! Plus, what is the point of being called bf or hubby when
the guy doesn’t really treat you well, honest and sincere?
And thus, the on and off debate between the
realistic brain and the follow-your-heart feeling takes place again.
We hang out at Sunway yesterday. He was
really nice to bring me over to look for hand-free, when mine was broken last 2
months I guess. We were walking and suddenly he noticed a stall selling key
chain toys. He instantly took Tigger and examined it with interest. I know, the
ex-gf loved Tigger a lot.
I can’t be sure if he likes Tigger as well
or he just ngam-ngam picked that one randomly. I asked him to buy, and said
that he should buy it since there may not be much time left. The ex-gf is going
off to another area for internship then she will leave Malaysia for good. Eventually
he responded by saying it was of low quality, thus no point buying. I kept
quiet.
All these series of events from previous
till now made me ponder again. Why am I sticking with him? It is not like I
have not tried to do something to make him felt ganchiong that I may be
leaving. In fact, it happened last week. It was another drama and eventually I
end up holding his hand saying that I duwan to leave him. He didn’t do any
mistake pun, I was the one who was pulling tantrum when he said he is meeting her.
Yes I am jealous. A guy who jealous of another girl. I was lost, I don’t know
where I stood inside him when he said: I have been going out with you in the
weekdays, I think it is right to go out with her in the weekend. So what do you
think? Yes I am never the bf, thus I have nothing to say. Eventually I get lost
and I got angry at him.
And so, in order to make myself feel
better, and him to feel less pressured, I shall label him as just a toy, a sex
toy perhaps. When I need it, I find him. When he needs it, he needs to wait,
because he never asked for any sex, I am the one who made the move. Perhaps
more of a person to face when I am bored or lonely.
Am I the one who fikir bukan-bukan? Or he
is the one who kept saying abit here and there thus making me confused? I duno.
For the moment, Hebi, you’re just a friend with benefits, I am afraid so.
Signing off, with a smiling facet.
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