Devil in me (May be monster)

I was chatting with a new friend yesterday. I was not in ease. My ideology has been shaken, again.

Through out my uni years, I have been an advocate for coming out and equality. Whenever people say that I am HIV source or STD guy, he will kena. (So far girls will come and ask if I am really gay.) I felt it was not fair at all- why we are the source of HIV/ STD? Genetically programmed? Not to mention such statement from the faculty of Health Sciences?

Yet, I did not really looked into myself. I have slept with others bf. I have slept with others when I was in a relationship. And now, as I am single, I allowed myself to sleep around. I was pretty at peace with my heroic mission till yesterday.

So this new friend of mine, whom I knew from JackD. I sort of into him since the first date. He refused to have sex with me because he said we should not do this. Of course I lagi get interested, where can you find a guy who doesn't want to have sex? (I don't think I am that bad looking after all.)

His impression towards me was: You're still young and you still have the urge to explore with other men, to try out. Though you yearn to be in a relationship. I guess you're better off with someone who goes with an open relationship.

I pondered the statement for a while. I could not possibly deny that I still wanna sleep with hot guys. I wanna experience again those deep and fast penetration into me. In that case, that would makes me a slut, sleeping around, and it will ultimately contradict with my advocacy that homosexual guys can establish stable long term relationship, when I am not practicing at all.

I have to admit that I have devil in me, that I need to tame. It may take time, I don't know. What my friend said is true, if I were to suppress the devil, it will still come out one day, may be stronger.

I don't know. I still decided to play around. I am still young and vibrant. Why waste it? Haha.

Perhaps until one day, I will find someone, who will make me stop doing it :) Meanwhile, gym, sauna, KTZ will be my usual hang out spot. Hehe!